In Which Oatmeal Nourishes Both Body And Soul

I will admit to a relatively diminished interest in whiskey these days. While much of note is undoubtedly happening in the wide world of whiskey, (Mr. Cowdery's tireless efforts to shame liars, the fall releases of unobtainables and unaffordables, the excitement about whether Chip Tate will be the first craft distiller to 'put two into the chest' of Mammon...) I am not sure that I give many or any shits at all about it. From the ever deepening trench of my poverty, my blackened groping hand finds purchase on the necks of few whiskey bottles these days. The explosion of interest and variety in whiskey is certainly a good thing, but the density of options has surpassed what I feel is necessary to enable an enjoyable life, and instead leads whiskey enthusiasts who want to keep up into a hierarchically-driven box 'ticking' mode devoid of much pleasure. "Not philosophers but fret sawyers and stamp collectors compose the backbone of society" 

As a distiller I am still very excited about making whiskey, but as a drinker it's harder to get a thirst up.

So I am moving on.

Wait, first a drink.

The production of this drink is somewhat involved, which is a twist as the recipe is adapted from Kingsley Amis' book of drinking advice "Everyday Drinking" and he sometimes felt a lemon twist to adorn a glass of gin was too much of a fussy struggle. As is likely apparent from this blog, I owe Mr. Amis many debts. As someone who has made relatively little headway into deciphering the world of wine, Amis gave me the greatest piece of advice on wine buying, easily trumping  anything Eric Asimov or Robert Parker ever supplied, to "Keep at hand a good supply of beer, stout, and cider, not to speak of stronger waters, to console you when the whole business gets too much for you".

An Atholl Brose, the alcohol version of oatmeal brose (uncooked porridge, truly the product of a culinary impoverished society), according to Wikipedia and Kingsley Amis has significantly more viscosity, alcohol, and sweetness than I desire. Below is my preferred technique

I Pity The Scottish Stomach

8 oz Hot Water
1.5 handful rolled oats
3/4 oz Smoky / Islay Scotch
Spoonful of Wildflower Honey

1. Heat up 8 oz water to tea making temperature, and pour over an oversized handful of oats. Stir to mix and allow to sit.
2. Sit outside in the garden in the chilly drizzling rain for 30 minutes while musing on how few possibilities for fulfillment the coming day will offer.
3. Strain the liquid off the oats (which should be cloudy and slightly thickened) and reheat in the microwave.
4. In a separate glass, measure out the scotch.
5. Stir a spoonful of honey into the hot oat water, and then pour into the scotch glass
6. With your steaming mug, return to the drizzly garden, and in general fell much better about the prospects of having to exist for at least one more day.

The Fallacy Of Hope

Well another year has finally ground itself out, with the usual depredations on my hairline, joints, and conviviality. I marked a significant milestone in my descent-toward-middle-age when my girlfriend had to berated me to 'put on your Nice Pants' for her company holiday party rather than the stained jeans I had planned on. What will 2014 hold for me? Pleated front khakis? White New Balance 'Dad' shoes? Fortunately, in Oregon I have an alternative recourse should things grow so grim.

While I might sound a bit down about it, I typically look forward to the New Year. Mostly because I enjoy making New Years Resolutions

2010 - Eat More Hollandaise - Killed It.
2011 - Drink More Gin - Crushed this one.
2012 - Achieve Spiritual Enlightenment - I guess I failed this one, but I at least kept up the momentum on gin drinking from last year. Also, I did a lot of stretching.
2013 - Embrace Love Of Classic Rock / Drink More Wine Spritzers - Mixed - I must have listened to Inna-Gadda-Da-Vidda 40 times and this is being written to the dulcet strains of Space Truckin'. If you haven't made your NYR yet, go ahead and open THIS and hopefully it should become clear. I made some headway on wine spritzers but at about the midpoint of the year I subconsciously started substituting gin for wine.

I usually give myself a few weeks into the New Year before selecting one, but some options include

Drink More During The Day
Visit Weird Asian Fish Store Down The Street
Develop 'System' For Horse Track

....Well I wrote all that on Dec 31th, and now this morning with a partially shattered brain and a burning need to read more Judge Dredd comics in bed I am struggling for a conclusion.

The Dying, The Dead & The Damned
1 Mug 'Joint Comfort' Herbal Tea
1 Glass Lagavulin 16

May 2014 relieve your suffering, but hopefully not in the permanent way.

Visions Of A Crimson Beyond

Though it's a sunny Friday afternoon, I unfortunately have some grim news to share. Several days ago while attempting to blog (read as - drinking in the basement at 10 am), I spilled a glass of Campari on the mouse. The mouse initially appeared to have survived, the red Intellimouse lights flickering on and off sporadically, like a trauma-shattered war vet. Upon clicking though, a thick ichor spurt from underneath the Right Mouse Button (RMB) and pointing functions ceased,  rendering further writing impossible.  Whatever enlightened discourse I was preparing was washed away utterly in a sticky, red tide; the same cruel God who deprived me of both a glass of Campari and my 5-year old Intellimouse has deprived you of ever reading those things.

Below, a pictorial rendering of the last moments of my Intellimouse.

Here's to You, Intellimouse. Maybe your scrollwheel is finally crumb-free in Heaven.

Playing Minesweeper For All Eternity

1 oz cask strength Scotch
Sprinkle grated Nutmeg
1 Intellimouse, claimed before its time

Dig one small grave, sized for a trusted companion. Pour scotch, top with grated nutmeg, and set ablaze, and endure a moment of silence. Think about happier times, gleefully closing pop-up ads, endlessly scrolling excel documents. Know that Death hunts us all.

In Which The Egg Comes First

Bleak times in America lately.  Just the other day a girl at work interrupted the all-time rock classic 'Radar Love' IN THE MIDDLE OF RADAR LOVE to put on the same fucking Bey once album the world has been inflicting on me for the last decade. Some people might have responded by curtly snubbing her for the rest of eternity, but I spent the next hour drafting a set of guidelines for the Death Panels I will implement when I seize the reigns of our abandoned government. Also, google thinks Bey once is two words, which is fine with me. Someone once made me watch that Single Ladies video and was aghast that I couldn't appreciate how awesome all their dancing was. Needless to say, They Will Sit Before The Panel. And receive the Judgement that our absent God has failed to bestow.

Anyway, I'm going to talk about egg-based cocktails today.

A recent issue of Bon Appetit discussed how to properly employ egg whites in cocktails, ignorantly snarking

'Eggs are a breakfast staple [...] But you probably haven't been adding them to your cocktails. Well, you should.'

WRONG AGAIN BON APPETIT. At Reasonable Industries we've been sucking down raw egg cocktails for years, to the horror of our girlfriend, house guests, and anyone I/We can pigeon-hole at a party. Additionally, egg-rich cocktails have been my key to maintaining a healthy body weight. Just last night Margarett said I had the physique of a scary 45-year old ditchdigger who might stab you at a bar. This is a significant upgrade from the physique of the world's tallest Ethiopian child. I owe it all to egg-based cocktails. And also quesadillas, grilled cheeses, and pb mix-ups (as much peanut butter as fits in a large ramekin plus honey, jam, or ice cream).

Bon Appetit only covered the usage of egg whites in cocktails, but the egg is quite versatile in its effects. They are critical in a variety of old-timey drinks like sours, flips, fizzes, nogs, and boxing training montages. For people concerned about consuming raw eggs, you are either physically or mentally weak and your weakness is preventing you from living a full life.

Now, a trio of Breakfast drinks.

For Lift

Egg whites are used in fizzes and sours to add a stable foam and an airy lightness to drinks, a combination that works wonderfully with citrusy cocktails. You need to shake intensely to achieve this, much like you are creating a meringue. A dry-shake, where ice hasn't been added is almost essential. Adding the spring off a Hawthorne strainer also helps speed along the process. About a minute of shaking is close to the minimum needed. An immersion blender can help until you're fortified enough with raw eggs to handle it yourself. After a good froth has been achieved, add ice and shake again to chill and dilute. Below is my preferred breakfast cocktail from the Savoy Cocktail Book if I've got a few minutes to spare.

'Morning Glory Fizz'

2 oz Scotch Whisky
Juice of 1/2 Lemon or Lime
1/2 Tbsp powdered sugar
2 Dashes Absinthe
1 Egg White
Soda Water

Follow shaking procedure outlined above, strain into tall glass with ice and mix with soda water

For Body

Egg whites have little flavor on their own, and can be slipped into people's cocktails without their knowledge (look out party guests!). Whole eggs on the other hand are difficult to miss. They have a thickening effect, adding a silky body and a heavier mouthfeel to drinks. Flips are the simplest whole egg drinks, typically being Spirit + Whole Egg + Sugar, while the more popular Noggs include milk or cream of some variety. Ale Flip is a different beast, closer to an 18th Century Knife Hit and will be covered at a future date. The creaminess of these drinks gives them a warming, nourishing quality. Another breakfast classic from the Savoy:

'Breakfast Egg Nogg'

4 oz Fresh Milk
(in the old tymey days you apparently had to specify 'Fresh' milk, which is something to really think about the next time you're at the grocery store)
1.5 oz Brandy (I use Laird's Bonded Applejack)
.5 oz Curacao (I use Royal Combier)
1 Fresh Egg

Combine in shaker and shake well with ice. Strain and top with grated nutmeg

For Horror

'Sherry & Egg Cocktail'

Place an Egg in Large Port Wine Glass, being careful not to break the yolk.
Fill glass with Sherry

The Sherry & Egg cocktail isn't so much a cocktail as a caliper of the soul. While you might drink a Morning Glory Fizz to fortify yourself for the day's toil, the Sherry & Egg bluntly askes "Are You Fortified?" When the morning is feeling bright and the world full of possibility, a quick Sherry & Egg is a great reminder of all the agony that a human being can inflict on themselves and others.  

If you are wondering how it tastes, you missed the point, but I will say that it is a considerably nicer tipple than an Amber Moon. The Sherry & Egg is perhaps the adult (or English spinster) version of eating worms. If you are accomplished at suffering, a Sherry & Egg will roll off your back like water while still prompting gasps of horror and nausea from all around you. Which is of course a very Powerful feeling.

In Which The Terrors Of Existence Are Balanced Against The Prospects Of Having Another Drink

Until I get Health Insurance, this IS my Health Insurance.

 

"A Drop To Cut The Phlegm"

1.5 oz Scotch
.75 oz Horehound Syrup
1 tsp Elixir Combier
Soda

Combine ingredients in a glass, top with soda.

In Which a Picture Stands In For Many Of The Words

This is a picture of a drink I invented called a 'Scotch & Yogurt', served in a chipped glass and resting on the floor.  Welcome to Yogurt Week at Reasonable Industries, where I will be drinking only Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur based cocktails all week. 

'Scotch & Yoghurt'

2 oz Trader Joe's Brand Scotch (because fuck it)

1 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur

3 oz Soda Water

Pour together the Scotch and Yoghurt liqueur into a glass of ice, top with soda and mix lightly. Sit on the floor while your girlfriend calls you a depraved weirdo. Wait for her to go to bed, then drink as many Scotch & Yoghurts as you want, because you are totally the boss and just because you want to stay up late drinking scotch and yoghurts and listening to atonal jazz doesn't make you a depraved weirdo.