In Which Oatmeal Nourishes Both Body And Soul

I will admit to a relatively diminished interest in whiskey these days. While much of note is undoubtedly happening in the wide world of whiskey, (Mr. Cowdery's tireless efforts to shame liars, the fall releases of unobtainables and unaffordables, the excitement about whether Chip Tate will be the first craft distiller to 'put two into the chest' of Mammon...) I am not sure that I give many or any shits at all about it. From the ever deepening trench of my poverty, my blackened groping hand finds purchase on the necks of few whiskey bottles these days. The explosion of interest and variety in whiskey is certainly a good thing, but the density of options has surpassed what I feel is necessary to enable an enjoyable life, and instead leads whiskey enthusiasts who want to keep up into a hierarchically-driven box 'ticking' mode devoid of much pleasure. "Not philosophers but fret sawyers and stamp collectors compose the backbone of society" 

As a distiller I am still very excited about making whiskey, but as a drinker it's harder to get a thirst up.

So I am moving on.

Wait, first a drink.

The production of this drink is somewhat involved, which is a twist as the recipe is adapted from Kingsley Amis' book of drinking advice "Everyday Drinking" and he sometimes felt a lemon twist to adorn a glass of gin was too much of a fussy struggle. As is likely apparent from this blog, I owe Mr. Amis many debts. As someone who has made relatively little headway into deciphering the world of wine, Amis gave me the greatest piece of advice on wine buying, easily trumping  anything Eric Asimov or Robert Parker ever supplied, to "Keep at hand a good supply of beer, stout, and cider, not to speak of stronger waters, to console you when the whole business gets too much for you".

An Atholl Brose, the alcohol version of oatmeal brose (uncooked porridge, truly the product of a culinary impoverished society), according to Wikipedia and Kingsley Amis has significantly more viscosity, alcohol, and sweetness than I desire. Below is my preferred technique

I Pity The Scottish Stomach

8 oz Hot Water
1.5 handful rolled oats
3/4 oz Smoky / Islay Scotch
Spoonful of Wildflower Honey

1. Heat up 8 oz water to tea making temperature, and pour over an oversized handful of oats. Stir to mix and allow to sit.
2. Sit outside in the garden in the chilly drizzling rain for 30 minutes while musing on how few possibilities for fulfillment the coming day will offer.
3. Strain the liquid off the oats (which should be cloudy and slightly thickened) and reheat in the microwave.
4. In a separate glass, measure out the scotch.
5. Stir a spoonful of honey into the hot oat water, and then pour into the scotch glass
6. With your steaming mug, return to the drizzly garden, and in general fell much better about the prospects of having to exist for at least one more day.

Florentino Liqueur - My Personal Cross To Bear

I think I've cracked the nut of the mysterious Florentino Liqueur, a traditional elixir long savoured by the indigenous people of Cleveland Ohio. Ohioans typically drink it straight, or cut with Mountain Dew, in an effort to as rapidly-as-possible reach the LD50 threshold for FD&C Yellow #5, I believe with the goal of ending their miserable existence. I lack the fiery spirit and Devil-May-Care attitude of the blazing Buckeye, and so find Florentino is best enjoyed sparingly over the course of an entire lifetime, with as much delay between samples as possible. There has been surprisingly limited research into the effects of Florentino on the human endocrine system, but here is a link to a study about feeding food coloring to albino rats because Progress Is Cruel.

On aforementioned nut cracking - lime is the key. Also you want to use a darkly color liqueur to disguise the diabetic urine glow of raw Florentino. I have now ruminated on Florentino longer than any soul not consigned to Purgatory and I still have little positive to say about it. Why do I return so frequently, to a well so dry? Florentino is distressingly the only search term which is driving traffic to my still basically undiscovered blog. And so, thou faceless truth-seekers of the great Network-In-The-Sky,  thy weird, desperate will is my command. 

The Will Of The People Is A Specious Directive
1.5 oz Cranberry Liqueur*
1 oz Florentino Authentic Ohioan Liqueur
1/2 lime
Soda
Sprig of Mint

This drink is good. If you are burdened with a bottle of Florentino this is so far the best option. To make this cocktail, use the ingredients listed about and combine in some fashion. I find that if you pour them into an old paint can (use only oil-based paints, NO LATEX) with some ice and take them to the paints department of your local hardware store, they will often let you use the paint stirring machinery to achieve a sublimely thorough mixing.

*Stonebarn Brandywork's Cranberry liqueur is particularly dry, so an effective replacement would be natural cranberry juice touched up with a bit of vodka to "cure" it

This is an excellent breakfast drink. Some of the more moralistic may look askance at drinking in the morning, but they are chowderheads who have no grasp of how to create Joy in one's own life. They cast a shaming eye towards my post-breakfast Watermelon & Absinthe Blender Potion, yet these same hypocrites can often be found on Sundays bright and early guzzling down wine with their good-time buddies merely because it has been ordained 'The Blood Of Our Saviour'...

In Which The Root of Shirking Is Uncovered

One of the greater obstacles to keeping a rigorously updated blog, beyond the crushing limitations of time (DEATH IS INESCAPABLE), is my lack of empathy for the audience. All day long, my glowing brain churns up a frothing slurry of brilliance, my skull crowding with spiteful bon mots and ferociously innovative cocktail ideas. Meanwhile the oppressive specter of Charity nags that I should share these delightful insights with the teeming throngs. Why should one so obviously gifted in such a gamut of capacities not try to brighten the days of the Damned?  But once I settle in to really GIVE BACK to society, Charity is quickly bludgeoned into silence by Desire For Nap and the luminous pearls of the day's mental exertions slip through the cracks.

Where does Desire For Nap come from? The original germ of it doesn't lurk in my blood, being built from robustly Puritan stuff my heart beats to the scheme of "WORK HARDER - MAN'S LOT IS TO TOIL". So the desire for a nap must be a foreign importation. Perhaps it lurks within the Absinthe Milkshake?

Free Will & Divine Providence

1.5 oz Absinthe
4 oz Avocado flavored Ice Cream which is a real thing and not a sick joke
1.5 oz Mint Simple Syrup
1.5 oz Some Kind Of Dairy (I Forget)
1 Egg
1/2 Lime
Ice

Step 1 - Make a To Do list. Don't feel limited to things you have to accomplish today, go ahead and include broad, far-reaching goals like "Grow Even Taller", "Make A Shitload Of Money" or "Wash Dishes".
Step 2 - Stare at list for 10-15 minutes, with increasingly mounting anxiety. Feel depressed that item #1 is "Eat Breakfast" even though it's past 10.
Step 3 - Get out blender to make yogurt smoothie, realize that you are out of yogurt but have plenty of Absinthe.
Step 4 - Combine ingredients and blender to milkshake consistency. Quickly decide that this would taste better in the bathtub.
Step 5 - While using To Do list as bookmark, accidentally render illegible by dropping it in the tub. Interpret this as Divine Providence, and when done in tub take a nap.

I consider the Absinthe Suissesse to be in the Pantheon of breakfast cocktails, the bibulous and overstuffed Dionysus compared to the Gin Fizz's Hermes. While I'm sure this imbibe recipe produces an excellent drink, I dispense with much of it and retain only the Absinthe, Heavy Cream, Egg and simple syrup (ideally mint, but practically whatever is in the fridge). For lighter fare, I will omit the Egg & Heavy Cream and instead use Soy Milk which is bizarrely tasty. For heavier fare, see the above recipe. 

A Surfeit of Confidence, A Poverty Of Taste

At the distillery tasting room, I occasionally receive unsolicited cocktail suggestions. These I greet with sentiment ranging from gentle pity to outraged disgust. The customers' ideas are typically like a Pottery Barn catalog, something that comes to me undesired but with a frequency that makes me feel I must have through behavior or mere existence somehow requested it. Sure, I will flip through the Pottery Barn catalog if my bowels are suddenly stricken or I need to pass three minutes until Jeopardy starts, but my expectations for revelation are low. Similarly, I will listen to your terrible idea if there is still a possibility I can wring some money out of you. Some, like "my awesome Sazerac recipe" (Pottery Barn Equivalent - a cut-glass monogrammed decanter) don't harm me too much. Others, like the man who upon tasting a Pear Eau-De-Vie suggested that although he didn't enjoy it or brandy in general, thought it would work great in a cocktail he makes composed of Orange Juice, Galliano, Creme de Cacao, Creme de Menthe, and Heavy Cream. I'm not sure how the Pear Brandy was going to work into it, my attention had faded from him, and sped towards the nightmare scenarios in which such a drink might be inflicted upon me. His Pottery Barn drink equivalent is a $40 decorative throw pillow which says "Jingle".

I bring this up because I'm quite aware that someone reading the various entries on this blog might think that I need help with cocktails, desperate, bold lettered HELP. They are wrong. I am perfectly capable of creating delicious cocktails, I simply chose not to for reasons that are difficult to elucidate. However, unlike claims such as "I could've totally played in the NFL, man, I just didn't want to" I am able to back this one.

Genius Presented Flippantly
3/4 oz Strained Lime Juice
3/4 oz Letherbee Gin
3/4 oz Elicser Combier
3/4 oz Maraska Wishniak Cherry Liqueur

(If serving as a Fizz)
1 Eggwhite
Soda

Combine all ingredients (except Soda...) If using egg white, dry shake first, then shake with ice and strain.Top with soda if desired.

The astute might recognize this as a variant on The Last Word. It works both as an up drink, as well as a Fizz depending on what time of day your liver thinks it is. In the above picture, I elegantly removed my breakfast from the background and replaced it with a vivid representation of Inspiration Striking. Elicser Combier (possibly Elixir...) shares some character with Chartreuse, not as floral (or delicious) with stronger warm, Christmas baking spice notes. Wishniak is a Croatian cherry liqueur along the lines of Cherry Heering, but a bit stronger and less cough syrup like and about half the price. I tried several gins here, and Letherbee Gin from Chicago was the best fit with the Elicser Combier (available at Binny's).  

In Which The Egg Comes First

Bleak times in America lately.  Just the other day a girl at work interrupted the all-time rock classic 'Radar Love' IN THE MIDDLE OF RADAR LOVE to put on the same fucking Bey once album the world has been inflicting on me for the last decade. Some people might have responded by curtly snubbing her for the rest of eternity, but I spent the next hour drafting a set of guidelines for the Death Panels I will implement when I seize the reigns of our abandoned government. Also, google thinks Bey once is two words, which is fine with me. Someone once made me watch that Single Ladies video and was aghast that I couldn't appreciate how awesome all their dancing was. Needless to say, They Will Sit Before The Panel. And receive the Judgement that our absent God has failed to bestow.

Anyway, I'm going to talk about egg-based cocktails today.

A recent issue of Bon Appetit discussed how to properly employ egg whites in cocktails, ignorantly snarking

'Eggs are a breakfast staple [...] But you probably haven't been adding them to your cocktails. Well, you should.'

WRONG AGAIN BON APPETIT. At Reasonable Industries we've been sucking down raw egg cocktails for years, to the horror of our girlfriend, house guests, and anyone I/We can pigeon-hole at a party. Additionally, egg-rich cocktails have been my key to maintaining a healthy body weight. Just last night Margarett said I had the physique of a scary 45-year old ditchdigger who might stab you at a bar. This is a significant upgrade from the physique of the world's tallest Ethiopian child. I owe it all to egg-based cocktails. And also quesadillas, grilled cheeses, and pb mix-ups (as much peanut butter as fits in a large ramekin plus honey, jam, or ice cream).

Bon Appetit only covered the usage of egg whites in cocktails, but the egg is quite versatile in its effects. They are critical in a variety of old-timey drinks like sours, flips, fizzes, nogs, and boxing training montages. For people concerned about consuming raw eggs, you are either physically or mentally weak and your weakness is preventing you from living a full life.

Now, a trio of Breakfast drinks.

For Lift

Egg whites are used in fizzes and sours to add a stable foam and an airy lightness to drinks, a combination that works wonderfully with citrusy cocktails. You need to shake intensely to achieve this, much like you are creating a meringue. A dry-shake, where ice hasn't been added is almost essential. Adding the spring off a Hawthorne strainer also helps speed along the process. About a minute of shaking is close to the minimum needed. An immersion blender can help until you're fortified enough with raw eggs to handle it yourself. After a good froth has been achieved, add ice and shake again to chill and dilute. Below is my preferred breakfast cocktail from the Savoy Cocktail Book if I've got a few minutes to spare.

'Morning Glory Fizz'

2 oz Scotch Whisky
Juice of 1/2 Lemon or Lime
1/2 Tbsp powdered sugar
2 Dashes Absinthe
1 Egg White
Soda Water

Follow shaking procedure outlined above, strain into tall glass with ice and mix with soda water

For Body

Egg whites have little flavor on their own, and can be slipped into people's cocktails without their knowledge (look out party guests!). Whole eggs on the other hand are difficult to miss. They have a thickening effect, adding a silky body and a heavier mouthfeel to drinks. Flips are the simplest whole egg drinks, typically being Spirit + Whole Egg + Sugar, while the more popular Noggs include milk or cream of some variety. Ale Flip is a different beast, closer to an 18th Century Knife Hit and will be covered at a future date. The creaminess of these drinks gives them a warming, nourishing quality. Another breakfast classic from the Savoy:

'Breakfast Egg Nogg'

4 oz Fresh Milk
(in the old tymey days you apparently had to specify 'Fresh' milk, which is something to really think about the next time you're at the grocery store)
1.5 oz Brandy (I use Laird's Bonded Applejack)
.5 oz Curacao (I use Royal Combier)
1 Fresh Egg

Combine in shaker and shake well with ice. Strain and top with grated nutmeg

For Horror

'Sherry & Egg Cocktail'

Place an Egg in Large Port Wine Glass, being careful not to break the yolk.
Fill glass with Sherry

The Sherry & Egg cocktail isn't so much a cocktail as a caliper of the soul. While you might drink a Morning Glory Fizz to fortify yourself for the day's toil, the Sherry & Egg bluntly askes "Are You Fortified?" When the morning is feeling bright and the world full of possibility, a quick Sherry & Egg is a great reminder of all the agony that a human being can inflict on themselves and others.  

If you are wondering how it tastes, you missed the point, but I will say that it is a considerably nicer tipple than an Amber Moon. The Sherry & Egg is perhaps the adult (or English spinster) version of eating worms. If you are accomplished at suffering, a Sherry & Egg will roll off your back like water while still prompting gasps of horror and nausea from all around you. Which is of course a very Powerful feeling.