He Announced Laconically

My semicolon usage in the previous post was deemed '100% correct'. To celebrate, a drink designed for a vacationing Conan The Barbarian.

'The Lipid Panel'
1/2 Avocado
1 Whole Egg
2 oz Coconut Cream
2.5 oz Gin
.75 oz Torani Amer
.75 oz Simple Syrup
1/2 Lemon
1/2 Lime
Soda Water

Blend all ingredients except soda water (duh, you idiot) with your immersion blender. If your immersion blender caught fire and died because you were using it to puree 8 gallons of malted corn, have your girlfriend buy a new, better one. A minute of blending basically makes pudding. Add ice and shake hard (~2 min). If you can't shake a shaker for 2 minutes, consider eating more whole eggs, you whimp. Strain into glass, mix with ~8 oz soda water, get into the tub. 

Desperately Seeking Calories

It has been a trying week at Reasonable Industries. With the last drops of alcoholic yoghurt consumed, my umbilical cord to cocktail inspiration has been severed. I will compound what looks to be a promising new elixir, sure to impart vitality and stimulate the tastebuds in heretofore unimagined ways, and upon reaching for the Yoghurt Liqueur my hand will close on nothingness and all my mighty works turn to ash in the mouth. 


Valiantly, I press onward.


Without yoghurt, the primary aim of my cocktail consumption this past week was to dramatically up the calorie content of the drinks. I think this puts me into a very small niche, as the google results for 'how to make more fattening cocktails' yields the exact inverse of the information I seek. I have been working an extraordinary amount (nearly 35 hours some weeks)! As a consequence I've been shedding weight like a thing that sheds a lot of weight <ed note - insert analogy or metaphor later[look up difference between analogy & metaphor]>Thus the need to bump the caloric content of my beverage intake.

Reverse-engineering Forbes list of the 6 most fattening summer cocktails, I've identified 3 levers to tweak.

1. Sugar - Sugar has calories in it, no shit...This proves not to be a useful lever, because I don't like sweet cocktails. You can cram in a little bit more, but it requires a horse-sized dose of something reproachably bitter like Vallet Fernet to counter-act it.

2. Alcohol - The internet and 'Medical Doctors' claim that alcohol has calories, and theoretically calories are fattening. However, my metabolic pathways are attuned enough that all alcohol is immediately processed into Power, which is transmitted quite rapidly to my Brain and lesser muscles. This surge of Power causes the affected areas to burn up non-alcohol based nutrients, sort of like how using a Nitrous Boost on a car still uses up your gasoline just faster (is this true? All automobile knowledge I have was gathered from Need For Speed 1 for 3DO which had neither Nitrous Boost or a Gas meter). This is the reason that for every 4 alcoholic drinks I consume, I need to consume one Burger or two Quesadillas.

Did You Know -  that my internet browser's spellcheck doesn't know the word Quesadillas and always wants to substitute Quadrilles? (Quadrille is a historic dance performed by four couples in a rectangular formation, and a precursor to traditional square dancing)

Additionally, my level of alcohol intake can't really be tweaked to garner more calories; if an individual drink has more or less alcohol, I will just have more or less individual drinks. Margarett, I just tried using a semicolon but I don't know if I did it right. Please berate me later for my incompetence.

3. Other - Glorious, glorious Other! This has always been the category where I excel.

An Examination of the Vagarities by Which Man Greets The Day

I Got Shucked At the 10th Anniversary Oyster Cloyster

2 oz London Dry Gin

1 oz Coconut Cream (the heavy shit that solidifies in the fridge and contains 100% of your lifetime Saturated Fat)
1/2 oz Simple Syrup
Half a Lemon
1 Whole Egg
3 dash Orange Bitters
3 oz Sparkling Wine

Mix Gin, Coconut Cream, Simple Syrup, Lemon Juice, Whole Egg, and Orange Bitters and dry shake for as long as you can manage (for me that is totally a long time cuz I'm like really, really strong). It should froth intensely. Add ice and shake for 10-15 seconds until frosted. Strain into glass (ideally hilarious novelty stemware obtained at a Coastal Town Fundraiser) and top with sparkling wine.

Containing the Metaphysics of Indian-Hating

While I know just about everything there is to know about alcohol, there are unfortunately many other glaring gaps in my knowledge. The sum total of my knowledge of India is based on that one episode of Seinfeld where they go to India and also what Margarett told me of her summer there. She said that it was incredibly hot, crowded, and you can't hardly get a drink. These two pieces of evidence were all I needed to cement in my mind that India is the Worst Country In The World, even though a five minute glance at bbc.com handily proves that Every Country is the Worst Country In The World. Anyway, this has lead to a number of conversations along the lines of:

Me - Man, India must be the worst place on earth.
Margarett - You are an intolerant bigot.
Me - *grumble grumble while searching for an article at The Atlantic to provide liberal support for my intolerant bigotry*

Margarett's efforts to persuade me that India is in fact NOT the world country in the world never really succeeded because I had a personal reason for perpetuating my belief: I used to have an Indian coworker (Indian in that he lived in India...) who I despised. Every episode of his incompetent bungling and mealy-mouthed buck-passing would cause me to rain curse down on a country that could allow his existence. I didn't think that India was a bad place because it was full of treacherous half-wits like him, I WANTED it to be a bad place so that his every moment would be suffering. I wanted his environment to punish him in the same way his voice punished me during 6 am phone calls. That is the danger of a 24 hour global economy, it forces you to hate others very early in the morning...

Anyways, I've left that job and have been able to find forgiveness in my heart now that I'm not presented daily with evidence that he hasn't died. And just this week, thanks to the peace bringing, brotherhood stimulating power of Bol's Natural Yoghurt Liqueur, Indian culture has provided the inspiration for a daringly delicious new beverage.

I was gonna type some stuff talking about what Lassi is but I am tired so here is wikipedia --->>>>>>  Maybe I will come back later and add useful information. Basically, it is hot in India and you sweat a lot, so Margarett says they drink salty yoghurt drinks to rehydrate. I also sweat alot because I work in an unairconditioned building tending to pots of boiling alcohol. So I took their Idea but made it have alcohol in it because I have the power to do that (Thanks Bols!)

As a point of biography, I'm tired because the coffee I had this morning was made from Starbucks beans which expired in 2008 that Margarett brought home out of a roadside 'Free' bin. I think perhaps at some point in the 6 years since its roasting it lost some of its mentality-boosting power.

Also, this is the last post in Yoghurt Week both because I am out of Yoghurt Liqueur and because weeks are traditionally held to be 7 days long. Bols, if you would like me to continue writing about your wonderful Natural Yoghurt Liqueur, please email me for information on where to mail a case of free product.

'What's That Lassi, Trouble At The Old Mill?'

NOT ACTUALLY A GLASS OF MILK

4 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur
1 1/2 Limes (juiced and strained)
1/2 teaspoon salt (I used sage-smoked sea salt)
1/4 oz Ginger Simple Syrup
6 oz Soda Water

Strip to your boxers and pile your sweat-soaked clothes in the middle of the kitchen floor. Add together ingredients (except soda) and muddle to dissolve salt. Depending on the results of your fearless moral inventory, add a shot of vodka or gin. Shake and strain into a 20 oz pint glass filled with ice. Top with soda water and gently stir to mix. Take glass to basement and drink in your underwear while fantasizing about the Coming Of A New Ice Age. 

In Which Humankind Progresses Via Alcoholic Yoghurt

Upon embarking on The Yoghurt Project, I received a lot of 'ewwww's and 'why?'s from the simple-minded plebs I'm often forced to converse with. Those familiar with the histories of Art & Science know that similar questions often plague the careers of all true Achievers. The boilingly virile minds of  modern Prometheuses such as myself and the geniuses at Bols are the true engines which drive forward Humankind. The Nattering Nabobs of 'Why?' & "Ewwww' are anchors which work to keep the ship of Progress mired in the stagnant swamp of Ignorance. Why do we need Yoghurt Liqueur, when there are many other non-yoghurt based alcoholic beverages? Why do we need the telephone, who could possibly have more to express than the telegraph will allow? Why do we need to go to the Moon, we already have Arizona? WHY INDEED.

So, in the Spirit of Heroic Discovery, this first batch of cocktails will be rated using the Apollo Missons. Much like Apollo Missons, I don't have all the photos you might expect but I assure you I didn't fake these.

'Stuck at PDX For Christmas'

2 oz Gin (Aviation)

3/4 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur

1 tsp Cherry Heering

1 tsp Apricot Brandy (liqueur)

Combine ingredients with ice, shake and strain into chilled glass.

This is a modification of the New York Bartender's Guide's version of an Aviation cocktail, using cherry heering instead of maraschino and Bols Yoghurt instead of lemon juice.

Rating - Apollo 8. The First Manned Flight for Bols Yoghurt Liqueur, while drinking felt like "first humans to see the far side of the Moon and earthrise over the lunar horizon with their own eyes", but other than profound inspiration to make more Yoghurt cocktails it was only sort of meh tasting.

'Rafia Song About Teethbrushing'

1 oz Leopold Brothers Highland Fernet
1 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur

Shake with ice and double-strain into chilled glass.

Rating - Apollo 1. Fire erupted during testing which killed 3 astronauts. The yogurt added a toothpaste-like texture to the already toothpaste flavored Highland Fernet.

'A Raja At Blandings Castle'

1 1/2 oz Tawny Port
1 1/2 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur

Chill port & yoghurt liqueur, then combine in chilled sherry glass. Alternatively, you can make a pousse cafe with the yoghurt at the bottom. Take the pousse cafe as a single gulp.

Rating - Apollo 13, with the original cocktail representing the craft during oxygen tank explosion, and the pousse cafe the dramatic and heroic recovery. This tastes like a piece of cheese cake with berry sauce on it. I had to strong arm Margarett into trying it, but she ultimately approved. Tastes like something a teen girl with a fake ID would try to order at a bar.

'Two Great Tastes'

1 1/2 oz Torani Amer

1 1/2 oz Bols Natural Yoghurt Liqueur
Soda

Combine Amer & Yoghurt in a highball glass with ice. Top with soda and stir gently to integrate. Garnish with orange peel.

Rating - Apollo 11. Finally, success! Landing a man (me) safely in the Sea of Tranquility, this tastes like a fizzing, lightly sweet orange creamsicle.